28 September 2005

Old man thrown out of Third Reich

An old man who escaped the terrible regime of the Labour Party in the 1930s was today thrown out of the Third Reich for muttering anti-war sentiments.
"Gergeiner Gerblinken," said Mr Rudolf Ridnetz-Rhinendier, 187, "This would never have happened under the Kaiser Chiefs."
But the party was quick to apologise for the mistake. "It is unfortunate, but in this day and age it is understandable," said Ian Odihellamaye, Party Chairman, "We thought Mr Rhinendier was a terrorist because he expressed anti-party views. Now that we realise the bad publicity we get by frog-marching little old men off the premises, we are fully prepared to accept he is not a terrorist."
Mr Rhinendier was later allowed back into the Third Reich after agreeing never to speak again and handing over his gold teeth to Jack Straw. We understand there will be a ceremony later where all books which mention the war will be burned.
"It was right and proper that we invaded Poland," said Mr Straw, "but now the war is not going very well we would rather that people do not talk about it. We are hoping that if we ignore it, it will just go away."

27 September 2005

Brown calls for newer Labour

Gordon Brown launched his campaign to take over as leader of the Labour party with a call for more newness, at the party conference in Brighton this week.
"It is time for New Labour to be newly renewed," he said. "It is simply not new enough currently and so I want to make it newer by newly renewing it. I want a newer newly renewed New Labour."
Coincidentally candidates in the Tory party leadership election are also calling for newness. "I want a new kind of Conservatism," said Mr David Campbell-Bannerman, the latest candidate. "Unless we make ourselves really really new, no-one will vote for us. That is why I propose renaming the party The Absolutely New Neo-Conservatives with Added Newness."
However, not everyone agrees that new is best. "They are just hiding the fact they are the same old parties by using the word new. If they were serious about being new, they would keeping starting new parties like I do," said Mr Robin Killjoy-Guilt of the party Tanned People Against Slightly More Tanned People.

21 September 2005

AdeLabs in moon bid

AdeLabs Foodstuffs Propulsion Laboratory has announced that it will put a man on the moon by 2220.
"We have the fundamental technology," said Prof Rabl E Lunch, Director of AdeMission Moon, "now all we have to do is persuade someone to get into the capsule."
The old AdeLabs space programme was based on preserve-based rocket propulsion, but the laboratory suffered a severe blow when all its stocks of marmalade were confiscated by the North Koreans. However, a new system based on genetically modified cabbage has been developed.
"It is an elegant concept," said Prof Lunch. "Cabbage is a completely sustainable resource and there is no limit to how far the technology can take us. If we want to go to Mars, we just have to grow a bigger cabbage."
But not everyone was delighted by the prospect. Speaking for arch-rivals Skimble Labs, Prof Ettek Remark said: "I don't see the point. Man has already been to the moon and this is going to cost the tax payer a fortune in compost alone."

20 September 2005

Can I have a P please, Bobellezza

In the scoop of the year, the AdePress Press Agency and Dry Cleaners has revealed that US President George W Bush goes to the toilet. The agency is now working on a story about ursine arboreal defecation.
"It's outrageous," commented commentator Drim Outside. "There are hurricanes to contend with, a war in Iraq and soaring oil prices. The President should not be wasting his time on this kind of frivolous activity."

19 September 2005

Adenews agrees to give up marmalade

After months of careful diplomacy, Adenews has been persuaded to give up stockpiles of marmalade held at its offices in Worthing.
"It is a major step forward," said Kutt Ell Dung, from the North Korean delegation. "For years, Adenews has not even been prepared to admit it has had marmalade on the premises. This despite incontrovertible satellite evidence."

Adenews agreed to destroy its stockpile of Rose's Lemon and Lime and Bon Maman Bitter Orange in exchange for being reconnected to electricity and telephone supplies.
"We've always fought for our right to be considered an independent online publisher and that has included stocking as much marmalade as we wished," said Grap L Inhook, proprietor. "However, we welcome these steps towards a peaceful co-existence with Seeboard and BT and giving up our stockpile is a small price to pay."
The move has not been universally welcomed. "We will be sending in marmalade inspectors to check stickiness in the backs of cupboards and in the bath," said Aaron G Peel of the International Preserves Inspection Agency. "If we find any jars which have not been handed over to pay the electricity bill, we will be forced to reconsider our position."
Correspondents report that Adenews was finally convinced by a US communique in which it said it had no intention of attacking the online publisher, and even if it had, it did not see how 320 tonnes of citrus-fruit-based preserves would help them.

Ninjury leaps to the aid of Germany

Mr Groy Ninjury, proprietor of Man Mountain Hyperpublishing which publishes AdeNews, has declared himself Chancellor of Germany following the elections there yesterday.
"Germany has spoken," he said. "And it is clear they want a new leader, but none of the candidates who stood for election."
Hans Voschtdisaffairrenoff speaking for current Chancellor Herr Schroeder said: "This is ridiculous. We are a democratic country and it is important that the new Chancellor is someone who actually stood for election."
Fritz Laekaglov, speaking for the main opposition candidate Mrs Merkel said: "On paper we won, but under Germany's complicated proportional representation system, it is not only votes that count. What matters is how well you did compared with expectations. Under that system it seems we lost. However, since Herr Ninjury did not stand for election, expectations for him were extremely low and so he must have done much better than expected. We think he has a very good case to be Chancellor."
Mr Ninjury has already proposed a new flag for his adopted country. It will feature his likeness crafted out of struedel.

17 September 2005

Bush admits blame

George W Bush admitted today that his presidency has been a disaster.
"Folks, turns out I am inadequatory in the postion of high office in which I find myself," he said. "By admitting responsibility for my mistakes, my hope is that you folks will look more kindly upon me and allow me to carry on making these terrible decisions."
Commentators point out that this is the first time the Bush administration has admitted any kind of mistake and say the admission represents a sea-change.
"Overnight, the President's politics seem to have swung away from idiocy and towards begging," said Harry Thruthenextfouryears of political analysts Dimmie, Dumbstruck and Danglewart. "It signals a switch from governing by guesswork toward governing by stumbling about in the dark."
But the Republican party is anxious to demonstrate that this is simply a president coming to grips with a national crisis. "He may look like a fool," said a senior Whitehouse staffer, "but actually we see him as more of a baffoon."

16 September 2005

UN defines stupidity

The UN announced today that it has finally come up with an official definition for stupidity. It is: "anything that has, may have or might already have happened".
The US finally agreed to this definition at the eleventh hour after the words "that is bad" were deleted from the end. The US's UN ambassador said he was pleased with the result. Ambassador John Dadots said: "It took some hard negotiatifying, but we got there in the end with God's good grace. Some other countries wanted the word 'stupid' in the definition, but I simply was not going to allow a form of words that would encompass so many of the US's current activities."
Some free speech groups are concerned that the definition may be too vague.
"If this gets codified into UK law, it would mean that almost any activity could be classified as 'stupid'," said Jack Itallin of the group People Against Others. "Tony Blair is already talking about changing the law so that if you 'think about stupidity in passing' you can be kept in jail for three months without trial."
The UN will start next week on a definition for idiocy. It is expected to take some years.

15 September 2005

Your questions answered

Q: Where is the greatest concentration of toast? (Mr D Delandins, Norfolk)
A: The world's greatest concentration of toast is in the small Mendips village of Clutchage where villagers between them toast and butter 5,300 slices of bread each day. The toast is added to a pile which towers above the village. Every 5 January, the toast mountain is ignited and locals celebrate by tossing their front doors on the pyre.

Q: What is the fastest speed man has ever attained? (Mrs E Venchance, Cumbria)
A: Recent investigations reveal that the fastest man has ever been is only 48mph, this achieved by Hubert Onorsis in Utah in 1949 on a rocket powered kart. Higher speeds apparently reached daily in air transport and on motorways are part of a giant government conspiracy to hide the fact that the space-time continuum starts to disintegrate above 49mph.

Q: With their extra wheel, are tricycles slower or faster than bicycles? (Ms F Incheek, Ontario)
A: The extra grip and propulsion that a third wheel gives you is normally outweighed by the additional drag. However, it is altitude dependant, which is why you often see cyclists on the Tour de France discarding their bicycles in favour of tricycles when they go above 8000ft.

14 September 2005

Protests create panic buying

Demonstrations over the price of words have been low-key, with small numbers of demonstrators at letter refineries, despite the expectations of ordinary bloggers who have been panic-buying.
Font designers said the campaign was meant to be symbolic and that the government was on the back foot. Word processor companies are admitting that stocks of the letter R became dangerously low on Tuesday because of the two-fold increase in demand, but say that supplies are already back to normal.
"The price of words has risen dramatically over the last two months because of world events," said Jo Narlist, one of the campaign leaders. "Free speech is being drastically limited because of the fight against stupidity and climate change means that we are using up this precious resource too quickly. We want the government to free up some of its massive stock of long words to increase the supply of letters and reduce prices."
Speaking for the government, Mr Gordon Blue, secretary of state for the clear promulgation and understanding of government communication in a straightforward and comprehensible manner, said:
"The public has no need to worry. We have ensured that there will be a plentiful supply of words for all the emergency and security services, and if people do not panic buy, there should be enough for everyone."
However, he admitted that some rationing was already in place. There are strict limitations on the use of the words "blame" and "fault" in the context of stories about the government, for example.

10 September 2005

Last post in broadband format

Adenews is pleased to announce that from Monday, blogs will no longer be supplied in broadband but will instead be available in the popular European Berliner format.
"The new format reflects Adenews's values for the coming decade," said design supremo Colin Orinbook. "It is just a little bit smaller all round."
Adenews chiefs claim the new approach will make the online news information update source easier to read on trains.
"The organisation is leveraging itself into a truly pan-global solutions provider by working in partnership with various geometric potentialities most of which scale to user requirements by synergising with a wide range of scissor-based functions," said G C Wotsit, Adenews Publisher.
Along with the format change, Adenews will undergo a complete design overhaul. "We are particularly pleased with the new range of typefaces we have developed especially for Adenews," said Orinbook. "We have achieved a truly modern, cutting-edge look by going back to what the ancient Egyptians used to do and copying that."
The new font will be called Adenews Hieroglyphics and readers are advised to get themselves some sort of Rosetta Stone before Monday.

06 September 2005

AdeParty leadership struggle hots up

One hundred and eight candidates have now put their names forward for the leadership of the AdeParty creating a world record and casting doubt on the ability of the party to be lead.
"There is a real risk that if everyone votes for themselves, the party will have a 108-way tie in the first round ballot," said Horse McWhispers, AdeNews Political Editor. "That would create a consitutional crisis and in the final analysis make the party unelectable."
The situation is particularly bizarre since no election has been called, nor is there any procedure in place for electing a new leader.
"Basically the party has two choices," according to McWhispers. "It can implement a voting system which would allow only some people in the party to vote or it can allow all members a vote. While the latter is more democratic, it does introduce the possibility of the entire party standing for election and all voting for themselves."
While limiting the electrorate in the leadership battle has drawn sharp criticism from party grandees, it is seen by some as the only practical way forward.
"The most extreme model we are considering is to limit the voting population to one," said Mr Grin Rictus, the party's chairman. "This would be Mr Kenneth Coocafee and it is likely that he would vote for himself. Now there is a risk that this would be seen as undemocratic, but it would give us someone who might actually be able to lead the party."
Supporters of rival candidate Mr David Dave-Daveson say that such an election procedure would be unfair to their man. "There is a danger if we open the voting up, we will elect some complete idiot," said party-member Mr Slim Divots. "That has happened in every previous election and so this time we are determined to do better. However, it is a risk we will have to take in the interests of party unity."
Mr Divots has acknowledged his intention to vote for Mr Dave Daveson, making the latter the clear front runner in the election, so far. However, if Mr Divots is barred from voting, as seems likely, the election is wide shut.

05 September 2005

Adeblog becomes Adenews

Following intense pressure from the accounts department, Adeblog is to return to its old name Adenews with immediate effect.
"It was all a flash in the pan," said Mr Gruw Ndelder, proprietor of Man Mountain Hyperpublishing, owners of Adenews. "Blogging is just another form of publishing, and that is what we have been doing all along. There was really no need to fiddle about with the name."
The double name change is estimated to have cost the company £4.21.
"I believe this heralds a new era of hyper synergism," said Mr G C Votsitz, publishing director of Adenews, "in which we can move forward after this regressive step and reestablish the brand as a global world leader in a class of its own."

Idiocy guide shows electability

Research by the Foundation of Adenews Research Thinktank has come up with a new model for world politics. Speaking at a top highlevel press conference, Prof Turk E Twisler, Director of the Foundation explained their thinking:
"We have known for some time now that the traditional left-right view of politics wasn't working. The trouble is they are all a bunch of facists. Instead we have come up with a three dimensional array which perfectly positions someone's politics and allows us to determine their electability."
The array uses the degree of idiocy, pomposity and hubris. The illustration below shows where some well known politicians would sit under the new definitions.

"The interesting thing to us," said Prof Twisler, "is that some politicians who would normally be considered allies sit quite far apart according to our guide."
Speaking for election pollsters WORI, Mr Fred L Da Figers said: "This would seem to be a useful tool to determine whether or not the electorate will be likely to vote for a particular candidate. The higher up any of the three scales you are, the more likely it is you will be elected. Those who manage to get negative figures for all three scales are unelectable and probably pissed."

Adenews becomes Adeblog

In keeping with its normal policy of chasing transient fashions, Adenews is to be rebranded AdeBlog and henceforth be published in a "stream of consciousness" format.
"These are exciting times," said Mr Graeme Egenships, proprietor of Man Mountain Hyperpublishing Ltd owners of AdeBlog. "We have entered a new age of journalism where facts, research and checking are history. Of course, this is the way we have always done things, but it is nice to see the rest of the world catching up."
Speaking about the technicalities of the change-over Mr G C Votsitz, publishing director of AdeBlog said: "Logistically, it will take an uncertain period of time, during which we will be operating in a transitional phase of operation, in which we will move from the old regime to the new, gaining improved synergies from our new leverage alignments."
A team of 15 graphic designers is working on a new logo and layout, we can exclusively reveal. These will be unveiled as part of a £15m marketing campaign this autumn.

02 September 2005

Alternative fuel health worries

Scientists have today raised concerns about the health risks associated with the increased use of vegetable oil in diesel engines.
With recent rises in oil prices, motorists have been switching from traditional diesel to chip fat. Diesel engines will operate quite normally on various vegetable-derived products.
However, experts say that this practice may introduce health risks. Speaking from the AdeLabs Foodstuffs Propulsion Laboratory, Prof Kline Ikeleinsaen said:
"We are worried about passive obesity. Insufficient research has been carried out, but we have to ask: will people who breath through their mouths suddenly notice enormous weight gain?"
The vegetable oil industry was quick to dampen speculation about health risks. Mr Grave E Train 28 stone proprietor of Man Mountain Chip Shop supplies said:
"There is absolutely no evidence that running your car on vegetable oil will make pedestrians clinically obese. No-one has actually tested diesel. Possibly the rise in its use can be linked to increases in obesity."
Campaigners are also worried the effect on the environment. "If you can cook chips with this stuff," said Graeme Pace from the Campaign for Increased Greenity, "surely it must have an effect on global warming."
Meanwhile, investigations into alternative fuels may be at risk. "We are having to take a precautionary approach," said Prof Ikeleinsaen. "Research into cream bun based automotive fuel has had to be put on hold while we go into the whole thing."

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