20 December 2005

US-British English translator

It has come to our attention that some British readers are having difficulty in understanding terms used by the US government. In a bid to help with this problem, we have included a translation table.

US EnglishBritish English
Legal phone tapIllegal phone tap
Extraordinary renditionKidnap
Collatoral damageDeaths
Post invasion planCock up
Federal Emergency Management AgencyJobs for the boys
Middle Eastern democracyCivil war
Non-proliferationWe don't trust anyone else to blow up the planet they way we will
Energy policyDestroying the planet

15 December 2005

Bush blames intelligence

George Bush has accepted responsibility for going to war on the Irate on the basis of flawed intelligence, but says it was still the right choice.
Speaking on the eve of the of the Irate election, he made a robust defence of the war.
"Many intelligence agencies judged the Iratis were so angry they had developed weapons of mass destruction. They made those judgments because I told them to and not because they had any real evidence. It's true that much of the intelligence turned out to be wrong," Mr Bush said in a speech at the Woodrow Wilson Center in Washington DC.
He went on: "I don't know why people are surprised. That's what happens when you make intelligence up. You get it wrong."
But he claimed the world was better off because of the war. "Just because the reasons for going to war turn out to be wrong, that does not mean the war itself is wrong. We thought they were Irate enough to blow us all up. Turns out they were only Irate because they thought we were going to invade. It is damned difficult to tell the difference between different forms of Irateness but it all comes down to the same thing. Anger is bad and we're going to blow them all to hell in a handcart until they calm down. It makes me so mad I could spit and, in a sense, I did."
Mr Bush said he would keep US troops hitting and punching Irate people until they were subdued. Only then, he said, would it be safe for them to withdraw.
"As president, I am responsible for the decision to attack the Irate. I'm also responsible for fixing what went wrong by reforming our intelligence capabilities. I'm going to stop them doing what I tell them to do and instead get them to provide real intelligence to this presidency. I sure as hell can't do it myself."

12 December 2005

US denies torture claims

US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has denied that the US is shipping people to Ruislip so they can be tortured using coloured cement.
"The US is bound by the Convention Against Cement in US mixers and overseas," she said. "We don't render anyone anywhere. I don't know how these ridiculous rumours get started."
UK Foreign Secretary Jackdaw Jackstraw said that the US had not been given permission to torture people in Britain but admitted the CIA had about 4000 flights into the country in the last year.
"You see the problem is the CIA insists on keeping its torture activities secret," he said. "So that means we can categorically deny it's happening because in a way, d'you see, it isn't."
But campaigners are demanding an explanation for a cement spattered warehouse in Ruislip with body-shaped indentations in it.
"It is bad enough that these potentially innocent people whose names happen to be a bit like Bin Laden have cement thrown at them during the interrogation process," said Blue Serkle of campaign group Stop Throwing Unnecessary Cement Knowingly, "but to also have to bear the indignity of visiting Ruislip. Well, it's barbaric."

07 December 2005

Posh party gets posh leader shocker

Sherlock Holmes and original lithograph by Gray Zinganimals

The Posh Party has a new leader it announced last night. David Cameron is the poshest bloke to lead the party since Sir Alec Douglas Featherstonehaugh-Cholmunalay in the 1960s.
"What the party needs is a radical modernisation," Mr Cameron said. "And to signal that, it has elected me leader: a white male who went to Eton."
It is thought that Mr Cameron wants to change the rules so that future party leaders have to be one-eyed black women from the goth wing of the party. However, it now seems likely that this will not be mandatory.
"David will suggest this rather than impose it," said Cameron ally Oliver Leftwing. "It is a matter of presentation. We want to look like we might elect a one-eyed black lesbian, without ever actually having to do it. This is what David means by radical modernisation."

03 December 2005

Phoney symphenics becomes the norm

A radical new technique will become the norm in teaching children how to read, Education Secretary 'Babe' Ruth Kelly said today.
Phoney symphenics teaches kids to make weird sounds in their heads while hopping up and down on one leg.
"We have achieved amazing successes with the method," Ms Kelly said. "Almost 84% of children are expected to be able to read by the time they reach 16."
But advocates of the rival Looney Tunix technique were scathing. "It [phoney symphenics] takes all the fun out of teaching," said Martha Landinth from the National Union of Teaching Techniques for Education Reform. "Making them stand on one leg may be funny the first couple of times, but after that it loses its appeal."

Blair's nuclear dream

Tony Blair came out in favour of nuclear power today despite widespread opposition.
"Oil and gas are running out," he said, "and alternatives like wind and solar power simply do not do enough damage to the environment."
He pointed out that nuclear power is comparatively clean in normal circumstances but said: "It will only take one major cock-up for nuclear power to do far more impressive environmental damage than oil has ever achieved."
Proprietor of electricity generating company Man-MountainoGen Mr Gapi Aire said he was delighted with Mr Blair's comments. "I have all these uranium rods in my garden shed I haven't known what to do with."