27 October 2005

Government criticised over food bill

Leading food campaigners today criticised the government's proposed anti-food laws following a cabinet dispute over how far the ban should go.
"The current wording is that you cannot eat anywhere that people are smoking," said Bag E Trousers from LARD, the pro-obesity campaign group. "But the rules will be unenforceable because it is not clear what counts as smoking. Do you have to have a cigarette, or does the mist coming off your jacket on a damp day count? Will unlit pipes be included, and what about boy scouts rubbing sticks together?"
But Health Secretary Patricia Whosit defended the government's position: "Most European countries now enforce an absolute ban on eating and I want to do the same in England so that everyone can look as unhealthy as me. John Reid (former Health Secretary, now Defence Secretary) wants to limit the ban to places where people are smoking. This is purely and simply so he does not have to curtail his meatball habit."
Mr Reid has strenuously denied any involvement with meatballs apart from one incident as a student in Ikea.

Since this story was first published it has come to our attention that the government's proposal is to ban smoking in places where people eat and not vice versa.

26 October 2005

Death for all inevitable

We are all going to die horribly in the next 120 years according to new research by the AdeNews Laboratory for Global Hype.
"If bird flu doesn't get you, something else will," said Professor Doom Sayer, head of international pessimism. "It is important that we build up vital stocks of anti-death vaccine and scare people as much as possible. We feel it appropriate to the situation that the general population feels compelled to run around like headless chickens."
But Prof Sayer feels that bird flu is only the tip of the iceberg.
"We are concerned about a pandemic of upper-storey piano incidents which will cause a far quicker death for those immediately underneath. We are advising the public to steer clear of tall buildings with piano music emanating from the upper floors and we are asking the government to remove the casters from all pianos as a precaution."

17 October 2005

Bookies put posh bloke in front

Sherlock Holmes and original lithograph by Gray Zinganimals
The bookies have put Sherlock Holmes ahead in the Tory leadership contest despite a weekend of accusations over drugs.
"Sherrie never did opium in his private detective days," said Dr Watson, a leading Holmes supporter. "That's just speculation. He was mostly playing the violin. Now I think it is time we move on for the good of the party."
Mr Holmes is the bookies' favourite at 78/4, although Mr Hercule Poirot has the support of more MPs. "The suggestions that we are trying to hype up the drug story are ridiculous," said Mr Poirot's spokesman, a Captain Hastings. "The party is quite capable of deciding for itself that it doesn't want a leader who has flashbacks."

Private company backs prison reform

ManMountain Penal Servitude plc has backed government proposals for changes in the prison system.
"We are very keen on the changes," said Grant A Peal, VP in charge of slops. "Too many ordinary prisoners are locked up in our jails. They are expensive to keep, what with transportation to and from trials and so forth."
However, Mr Peal does not expect any reduction in the population of his privatised jails.
"Changes to the terror legislation will do without the trial process and so it will be much cheaper to keep these people locked up. There is also a greater likelihood of hunger strikes which will mean savings in real terms."
However, Mr Peal admitted that costs savings from changes in the prisoner population would not feed their way through to the tax payer. "The benefits are likely to be in the form of airmiles."

12 October 2005

Blair's justice crisis

Prime Minister Tony Blair expressed outrage today that judges continue to insist on being involved in the justice system.
"If some kid has nicked your wallet, you don't want the rigmarole of a court case only for the judge to let him off on a technicality," he said. "Far better for the police to administer an on-the-spot kicking. It cuts out court expenses and justice is being seen to be done."
The new Lord Chief Justice Lord Saleeping commented: "Mr Blair's approach will see many more people being effectively dealt with by the justice system, but to do this he seems to have removed the bit where we actually check if they are guilty of something."
But Mr Blair brushed aside Lord Saleeping's concerns. "I'm the one who makes decisions around here. Why doesn't he just butt out."

10 October 2005

Giant alliance in Germany

Adenews proprietor Mr Gray Z Kneez has failed in his attempt to become Chancellor of Germany. Instead, some woman has got the job.
"Just because she got more votes than me and speaks German doesn't make her the best person for the job," Mr Kneez told us to say he said. "She has only got into power by forming a huge coalition with all her enemies."
Mrs Angle Poezlempt's centre right Christian Democrats have formed an alliance with the other main political party the Social Democrats. "No one outside Germany can really tell the difference anyway," said her spokemans Lief Etautguef. "So now we have one huge party where everyone agrees."

Former Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder, whose party is the second biggest in the coalition, has chosen not to be part of the new German government. Instead he will go back to playing piano in Snoopy cartoons.
Mrs Poezlempt is the first woman to be Chancellor of Germany since the 1930s.

Tragedy averted

Another tragedy in the Southern Orient was narrowly avoided today, writes our correspondent Binko Fitz-Trousers from Lynfordchristieabad, when the English and Pakistani authorities agreed allow cricket to continue despite the earthquake at the weekend.
"Bally good show," said Sir Hugo Icestai, chairman of the Travelling Englishman Cricket Enthusiasts Board and Lodgings. "The Bashi-bazooki didn't stop us playing cricket in 54 and neither should a minor disturbance that was a footling 7.2 on the von Richthofen scale."
The England selectors have admitted that pitch conditions may not be perfect. "We've had to ask Spotty Dung-Worthington to keep a very stiff upper lip," said Sir Oppo Figgs, chairman of selectors, "if only so we can bowl the occasional googly off it."

Today's weather in the UK

It will be a beautiful, clear sunny day in a tiny area in the far north-east of Scotland and, although it will be freezing cold, it will be a lovely, crisp kind of coldness.
The rest of the the country will be mild for the time of year although most people will see a day of light-hearted, but persistent drizzle.
Report brought to you by Dimitri Ologist of the new more positive Met Office.

07 October 2005

Health problem stamped out

The modern practice of selling self-adhesive stamps has resulted in many people resorting to licking other, often quite inappropriate, items, the Consumers' Association reports. A particular safety issue has been highlighted in households fitted with roller blinds.
The phenomenon of conventional postage has, until now, completely masked the problem of uncontrollable lick urges. Approximately 35% of the population suffers from this embarrassing condition, according to some estimates (although other estimates put the figure as low as 0.0000002%). Email is largely to blame, removing not only the much loved stamp, but also the traditional craftsman-built envelope.
The issue only came to light following a Department of Health report into the dramatic increase in admissions into this country's hospitals of people with roller-blind related injuries. According to Dr Alva Drop, DoH spokesman: "Some simply have minor singeing around the ears, while others have much more serious injuries. One man ended up with a tongue more than 15 feet long."

Clarke waters down stupidity law

Home Secretary Charles Clarke has changed proposed stupidity laws after intense criticism of the section banning the glorifying of stupidity. In the revised version, prosecutors would have to show an intent to incite acts of stupidity.
"What this means," said Sue de Panzuvem, Adenews Legal Eagle, "is that it will now be okay to say something like 'I think it is great you are stupid' but it will be illegal to say something like 'I think it is great he is stupid, you should be more like him'."
But the free-speech pressure group Let Us Say XXXX argues that the new law will impinge on ordinary people's rights. "Laws preventing people saying stupid things can be used against all sorts," said Red Pencil, the group's leader. "Ken Livingstone, Russell Crowe, Prince Philip, Chris Eubank, to name but a few."
But Mr Clarke still faces a battle to get the legislation through parliament. Two top judges, Lord Alummy and Lord Luvus today issued a statement saying the proposals would be unworkable. "We are very, very old," it said, "and so we know what we are talking about. We have looked at these proposals and we do not understand a single word."
Mr Clarke has suffered intense scrutiny of his private as well as public life since it was revealled last month that he is the product of a failed cloning experiment using genetic material from Ken Clarke and Prince Charles.

06 October 2005

Lardo-burger in product placement scam

Lardo-burger, the fast food division of Man Mountain Dietary Deterioration Inc, has admitted giving up its plan to persuade rappers to include product placement within their popular music lyrics.
The scheme, which has been in action for a year, would have paid rappers 5p every time a song that included a reference to a Lardo-burger brand was played on the radio. But the firm announced an end to the idea yesterday saying that not a single rapper had included such a reference.
"We simply do not understand their reluctance to get involved," said Grusilie O Beez, chairman of Lardo-burger Precision Cooking Fats (UK). "It seemed to us to be a win-win situation. They got to be associated with a prominent youth-market brand while we got stacks of free advertising."
Lardo-burger's new High Energy Sports burger is a tasty between-meal snack that gives you vitality and cool. Make your friends jealous today for only 99p.
The company has replaced the scheme with one which pays bloggers for product placement. Horse McDrawers, Adenews Editorial Director commented: "It is not something we would really want to get involved with. We like to maintain a high level of integrity and I am sure our proprietor would agree."

Tory approach wrong says research

The Conservative party is getting its leadership election wrong according to research published today by the Foundation of Adenews Research Thinktank to coincide with the end of the party's conference.
"The Tories think that if they keep changing leaders they will eventually be electable," said FART's political and organisational officer Dr Iydenk Emmapierocurtains. "Our research shows that they would do much better in the polls if the party changed its members."
Party activists have already reacted badly to the proposal, but at least one of its big financial backers is apparently in favour.
"We need members with ipods rather than handbags,"
said Mr Garg L Enspit the millionnaire proprietor of Man Mountain Megastores who last year donated £4.21 to the Conservatives. "It is imperative that we modernise and that includes getting rid of the ignorant, xenophobic, little-England twits who currently make up the majority of the party."
None of the leadership challengers would comment to Adenews on the idea, but one supporter of Kenneth Clarke admitted his candidate would find it much easier if the people voting in the election were Labour or Liberal Democrat party members.

03 October 2005

Adenews agrees terms for EU talks

Adenews has accepted EU conditions to begin talks about accession. This follows Austria dropping its objections to the online news information service joining the EU.
"It is a great day for Adenews," said Gree C Businessman, proprietor of Man Mountain Enterprises, the company which owns Adenews. "Finally we will be able to sell porn in the EU on equal terms."
The citizens of Austria are particularly resistant to the idea of the online news service becoming an EU member state. Austrian Foreign Minister Maeduta Plastik said: "We really don't want this kind of riff-raff to have access to our country. We keep hoping they will get bored of the whole idea and just give up."
However, Austria has included some stiff conditions before Adenews can be accepted into the EU. These include:
  • Adenews to become real country.
  • Austrian ministers to get cheap suits (complied already)
  • Adenews to move from offices in Worthing to area with internationally recognised borders.
  • Adenews citizens to renounce desire for jobs in Austria, Germany and France.
  • Adenews citizens to get decent haircut and trousers that fit.
  • Adenews to rectify appalling position on human rights (viz chip shop for lunch).

Surprise Supreme Court appointment

In a surprise move, President Bush has appointed a woman with no experience as a judge to the highest court in the US. Mrs Harriet Mategetamoveon was formally a close aide to the president, cleaning his shoes and emptying his bins.
"Mrs Mategetamoveon will make a superbified Supreme Court justice," said Mr Bush. "She will bring realityfied peopolicious grit to the role. So what if she knows nothing about the law. Knowing nothing about politics didn't stopitudify me."
Mrs Mategetamoveon herself was taken aback by the appointment. "Blimey gov, stone da crows," she said to the press corps, while polishing the head of Washington Post correspondent Paul Itzerpriez. "I never expected this nor nuffink."
"It sure is a big surprise," said one White House staffer. "Some people are worried about her conservative Republican credentials, but then it turned out she voted for New Labour in the British elections, so that's okay. I'll say one thing, though. That sure will be a clean bench."