14 May 2000

Republican challenger

A last minute bid for the Republican nomination as presidential candidate from an unknown military gentleman has hit controversy amid claims he is not a US citizen.
Colonel Rusty Hippity Howdydoodee Yopsuree Momsapolpy Votefurmee III launched his eleventh hour campaign on the previous experience ticket. He points out that he is the only candidate who has already been a president. Colonel Votefurmee was president of the South American country of Panadol in the years immediately preceding democracy and claims that his experience of dealing with inner city strife, drugs problems and, in particular, over-ambitious junior officers will be invaluable to the USA.
The George W Bush camp issued a swift rebuttal to the claims he was a "wishy washy, clapped out son of satan" and, launching a counter offensive, suggested that Colonel Votefurmee was ineligible to stand for president because he is a foreign national. The Bush camp points to Colonel Votefurmee's striking similarity with the notorious former dictator, and French Open tennis finalist Colonel Arancha Sanchez-Vicario.

12 May 2000

Health plan criticism

Government plans to overhaul the National Health Service were described as "dramatic" and "radical" by leading health action group "top Unnecessary Bed Baths Today today. Group leader Gavin Toopressure broadly welcomed the additional spending planned for the NHS but pointed out that there were some worrying features in the detail of the Government proposals - specifically:

  • Beds will be redefined as Nurses guaranteeing one at least one Nurse for every patient.
  • Time will be redefined as space and vice versa, guaranteeing maximum waiting space and minimum waiting time.
  • Doctors will henceforth be known as plumbers, improving public perception of medical disasters.
  • Consultants will be redesignated Axe Murderers in a bid to reduce claims on their time.
  • Smarties will become a prescription drug to maximise use of the placebo effect.

Sigmundo Bupa is 54.

07 May 2000

Blur denies spin

In an exclusive interview with Adenews, Tiny Blur rejected claims that there is too much spin in government these days. "We all drip-dry our trousers," he said. "If we do spin, it is on the short cycle economy setting for minimum environmental impact."
His comments follow intense media speculation that white goods performance is dominating government thinking. "We focus on policies," Mr Blur stressed. "For example, we have a new policy on dishwasher power ratings which will revolutionise housing, transport, education and the national health service, but mostly the labels which appear on dishwashers."