Health plan criticism

Government plans to overhaul the National Health Service were described as "dramatic" and "radical" by leading health action group "top Unnecessary Bed Baths Today today. Group leader Gavin Toopressure broadly welcomed the additional spending planned for the NHS but pointed out that there were some worrying features in the detail of the Government proposals - specifically:

• Beds will be redefined as Nurses guaranteeing one at least one Nurse for every patient.
• Time will be redefined as space and vice versa, guaranteeing maximum waiting space and minimum waiting time.
• Doctors will henceforth be known as plumbers, improving public perception of medical disasters.
• Consultants will be redesignated Axe Murderers in a bid to reduce claims on their time.
• Smarties will become a prescription drug to maximise use of the placebo effect.

Sigmundo Bupa is 54.