20 September 2000

Hauliers' demands

The bulk haulage industry has given Adenews 60 days to respond to a new set of demands. Adenews proprietor, Mr Goosh E Gandyr, says that the online subatomic particle-based e-source information update's stance remains the same.
"We cannot really see what it has to do with us," he said. "Okay, so we called that lorry driver a self-interested twot, for which we unreservedly apologise. But I must remain firm (thanks to Value-Pants product of the month Body Toning Clingo-Film, in handy 20m rolls). We are not in a position to do anything about these demands. Now sod off."

The demands in full are:

  1. Shorter roads to make journeys quicker.
  2. Unlimited supplies of free fuel and Yorkies to improve profit margins.
  3. New lorries all round.
  4. Comfy fur lined seats with a nice leopard skin spot to them.
  5. More blond hitch-hikers per square cubit decimetre
  6. Longer tea breaks.

18 September 2000

Travel supplement

Undiscovered England 12: Slough (pronounced haschlooff).
Most tourists head straight from the sights of central London to the rural idyll of the Cotswolds, or the national parks of the north. But in so doing, they miss the urban/suburban paradise to the west of London, exemplified by that jewel in the crown that is Slough.
Slough is a thriving, bustling, post-concrete, supermarket town with both bus and rail facilities. On the periphery, the quasi-industrial quarter boasts some of the finest examples of architecture from the Dilapidation School, with soaring chip board masking jagged glass that is quintessentially modern Britain.
Post-suburban neo-sculpture is ubiquitous. On the London Road we can see "Bus Shelter 37" from the Vandal school of artists. With only the briefest of references to an actual bus shelter, the colours are vivid, as are some of the phrases used to describe Sharron's boyfriend.
In the centre, where traditionally visitors would be bored by stereotypical supply-chain emporia, Slough planners have been truly inspired. Dispensing with the trivia of construction and style, instead they have gone for statement on a grand scale, by simply dumping huge quantities of brick and rubble from a great height.
So do not hurry past. Make sure that Slough is firmly on your itinerary.
This supplement has been brought to you in association with the Slough Tourist Board, the League of Big Liars and large quantities of cash.

Blockades by p/-oteste/-s f/-om the League Against Stupid, Silly o/- Idiotic Entities have had wide-/-eaching consequences. Al/-eady stocks of the lette/- /- a/-e exhausted and supplies of l and p a/-e at thei/- lowest level in 112 yea/-s. The newspape/- and publishing indust/-ies have been ha/-dest hit, but solicito/-s and sign-w/-ite/-s a/-e also beginning to feel the p/-essu/-e.
Howeve/-, the p/-otests a/-e having fa/- mo/-e wide /-eaching consequences, b/-inging the count/-y to c/-isis point. Panic buying in supe/-ma/-kets has /-esulted in sho/-tages of vital foodstuffs. Baked beans and b/-ead have been subject to the wo/-st cases of hoa/-ding as shoppe/-s fea/- that supplies of the lette/- b might /-un out.
The banking secto/- is also /-eviewing its position. Cu/-/-ently supplies of the pound sign a/-e unaffected, but leading banke/-s fea/- it will be used as a substitute E o/- L when those lette/-s a/-e depleted.
Gove/-nment spokesmen admit to being taken completely unawa/-es, and a/-e su/-p/-ised at how swiftly the c/-isis has escalated. T/-anspo/-t ministe/- Lo/-d Biddly Bong of Bung commented: "I was honestly unde/- the imp/-ession that lette/- supplies we/-e unlimited; that all you had to do was type them out on you/- compute/-, as many as you needed o/- wanted. Now I discove/- that they a/-e delive/-ed in the small hou/-s by teams of midgets on moto/-cycles. I still can't quite believe it, yet al/-eady the count/-y is g/-inding to a halt when this se/-vice is inte/-/-upted."
Adenews has set up a helpline fo/- those needing to find supplies of vital lette/-s. The numbe/- is 01__6 _41__9.

17 September 2000

Hole in theme park continues to expand

Scientists have estimated that the hole discovered in the Man Mountain Adventure theme park is now larger that the United States and that it continues to expand. Environmentalists have postulated that the hole has been caused by people keeping their fridge doors closed and they are campaigning for free access to fridges all over the world.
Fortunately, structural problems, which might result in the hole situation becoming catastrophic, have been delayed by filling the void with trees uprooted from tropical rain forests. However, campaigners point out that this is a short term solution since it is only a matter of time until the rain forests have been completely cleared.
The Adenews environmental booklet: "Keeping the world a safe by covering your body in aluminium foil" is available from all good book sellers.