25 November 2005

Brown slams pensions report

The Chancellor Gordon Brown has criticised the AdeLabs Pension report before it has even been published.
The report is expected to say that we will run out of money and no-one will get a pension at all, but Mr Brown says the figures do not add up. In a letter to AdeLabs, he said:
"It is a fundamental miscalculation to say that no-one will get a pension. In fact, my pension will be fine and so will those of many friends in the banking community."
The AdeLabs report is expected to recommend giving people a pension, but Mr Brown is thought to oppose this scheme.
"Clearly, pensions cost the Treasury a lot money," said Adair Ytafago, Director of Pensions Research and Biscuits at AdeLabs. "But we will not be brow-beaten into recommending that no-one gets one. We estimate that if the government stops paying for pointless foreign wars we should be able to pay everyone £20,000 a month when they retire."

23 November 2005

Suffolk's obese have hips removed

Fat people will have bodily parts removed to save money under new plans announced today by the East Suffolk Health authority.
"The obese simply wear out too quickly for us to cope at current funding levels," said Skin E Bastid, Head of Accounts at Great Fookip Hospital in Quails. "By removing important parts of their bodies, this will encourage them to lose weight and will have the joint advantage that these parts will wear out more slowly."
A pilot scheme will concentrate on hips and elbows, but if this is successful, the programme is expected to be rolled out to livers, kidneys and lungs.
"Of course, there is a danger in removing these vital organs," said Bastid, "that the fat buggers'll eat themselves."
But obesity lobby groups have reacted angrily. "I think you've got the wrong people," said Artimo Spuel-weavel of the Extremely Fat Club Indeed. "Our organisation's name is ironic. We're all extremely thin."
But Lard O'Lardylardy of the pressure group Extreme Pressure said: "Fat people pay their taxes like everyone else. We should be allowed to live as normal a life as modular metric building regulations will allow."

Adenews shocked at US attack plans

Adenews executives have expressed outrage at reports President Bush intended to bomb the offices of the online news information update service 18 months ago and was only stopped by the intervention of Tony Blair.
"A valuable set of antique preserves and some expensive computer equipment is housed in those offices," said Mr Gramp E Ullman, proprietor of Man Mountain Hyperpublishing, the organisation responsible for Adenews. "What is even more worrying, I sometimes visit that office myself."
It is thought that Mr Blair intervened when Mr Bush failed to guarantee not wiping out half of Worthing High Street. "This is a very tricky target for precision bombing," said Gatel N Gunn, defence analyst with June's Fence Weekly. "It has a small footprint and because it is located above a chip shop, there is uncertainty about what the hot fat would do under a laser guided bombing scenario. Also the blast may have been deflected into nearby stockpiles of marmalade causing untold damage."
At the beginning of the War on Stupidity Mr Bush said: "You are either with us or against us." It is thought that some Adenews editorial material has been interpreted in Washington as being anti-US and that is why it became a target. "Comments Adenews made like 'that President Bush is an idiot' highlit our weaknesses to the enemy in a time of war," said a White House spokesman. "We cannot tolerate this kind of statement when we are fighting for freedom."
Mr Horse McTomahawk, Editor of Adenews commented: "We are committed to remaining an independent voice dedicated to representing the views of a section of the community. By the way, that President Bush is doing an awfully good job of running things, isn't he?"

13 November 2005

Bush lies about war lies

President Bush today denied he lied about the reasons he gave in 2003 for going to war with the Irate.
Prior to the war, he said: "These people are simply too angry. We have to blow them to smithereenifications to protect the safety of the American people."
But today he said: "It wasn't me. I never said we should go to war, or nothing. It could perhaps have been my comedy stunt double brought in for security reasons. But it's news to me that we are even at war."
Mr Bush's approval rating is at an all time low. According to a poll conducted by Local Indicators of Electorate Response Services, 107% of Americans think he lied about the reasons for going to war with the Irate, 92% think he lied about lying about his reasons for going to war, and 64% think he lied about those lies. An astonishing 46% of the US population thinks the second lie cancels out the first, but 92% of them thinks the third set of lies puts him back to square one.
Senator John McOvenchip said the whole war may have been a mistake: "It now seems likely that dropping bombs on people makes them more irate, not less."

09 November 2005

The innocent go free after only one month

Tony Blair suffered a personal defeat when parliament today voted down his proposal to lock everyone up for 90 days.
"It is the only way to stop terrorism," he said prior to the vote. "If everyone is locked up then they cannot be blowing things up."
But MPs refused to back his plans and instead voted for a period of only 28 days. Liberal Democrat leader Charles Kennedy said it was a victory for freedom: "Clearly we are a step closer to becoming a police state if we lock innocent people up for 29 days," he said. "But at 28 days... that is just democracy in action."
Abdul El Plates of the banned organisation Bloody November Weather said: "This is a victory for terrorism. Being locked up for 90 days would certainly have put most fundamentalists off arbitrary killing, but 28 days away from your family ... that's a holiday."
Speaking after the vote, Mr Blair said: "This was not a defeat for me personally. It was democracy in action and underscores our determination not to succumb to these evil backbenchers."

New tests for the unborn

Foetuses' learning is to be tested at seven months, the government proposed today.
Infants and preschool children are already subject to a mandatory syllabus and testing to check what they have learned. Now the government wants to extend the scheme to the unborn.
"Education is the golden key to making Britain competitive internationally," said prelife education spokesperson Red Iculusplan. "The Japanese are already teaching foetuses differential calculus and it's time the UK caught up."
But the proposals have triggered strong criticism from mothers' groups. "Time spent in the womb should be for gurgling and kicking," said Marian Repentatleisure of Mothers for Smiley Faces Today. "It makes my heart bleed to think of all the testing these youngsters will have to go through in their lives. At least they should be allowed some respite before they are born."
Industry experts are unimpressed. "Employers see far too many young people who do not know how to add up," said Gruff Exterior, secretary general of the Institute for Gruff Businessmen. "Starting the learning process earlier is one solution, but we think it will just encourage kids to bunk off school at three or four, making matters even worse."