07 April 2006

Motor vehicle outted as VP aide

A US grand jury investigation into to the leaking of intelligence in the run up to the Irate war has uncovered a plot by the Bush administration to disguise key aides as waste bins, lamp posts and other everyday street items.
Mr Lewis Libby, formerly an aide to Vice President Dick Cheney, admitted he had spent three years on a street in New York disguised as a scooter. Expert sources have suggested he may have done this to leak key intelligence information to the press in a bid to support the moves towards war. Witnesses report a similar scooter parked repeatedly outside the offices of the New York Times.
"It has become clear that in the run up to the war we could not take senior White House staff at face value," said special prosecutor F D Shoefitz. "However, while it is very unusual for a president to hide staff inside Italian two-wheeled motor vehicles, we can find nothing illegal in these actions."
But antiwar protesters are livid that the president seems to have sanctioned the actions.
"First they lie about the reasons for going to war," said Hammer Homessidge of Americans Against Other Americans Gittin Spitroast. "Then they lie about who they are. Gosh damn, I ain't never going to look at a scooter the same way again."

06 April 2006

French youngsters upset at being rubbish

The French Premier Dominque de Vilified has defended plans throwing young people out of work to solve the country's unemployment problems.
Looking tanned and relaxed after a lengthy ski holiday, the Compte de Vilified said young people should grow up. "Only then will they be able to enjoy full employment rights in this country," he went on. "Really I do not see what the fuss is about. Most young people are delighted to have the excuse to hang around bars complaining about the government. It is their birthright."
But protestors have reacted angrily to the Compte's apparently offhand comments. "It is outrageous that our employers should be able to sack us just because we are incompetent or foolish," said student Jacques Cheid, 22, currently staging a one-man sit-in at the Gare du Yrpossessions in Paris. "We should never be able to be fired no matter how useless we are. That is the French way."

05 April 2006

Blair and Brown patch up differences

Tony Blair and Gordon Brown have pledged at a party rally this week to work 'shoulder to shoulder' during the local election campaign, but as one party activist pointed out, it was a shame Gordon's shoulder was being used to nudge Tony over the edge of the stage.
Mr Brown has denied hating Mr Blair's guts.
"No," he said. "I hate all of him. But it does neither of us any good the party is defeated in the local elections so we have to pretend to get on."
But Mr Blair put a different spin on the situation.
"Gordon is completely wrong on this," he said. "We really do get along like a house on fire. We're great buddies. Gordon is simply going to have to accept that."

The Brown Blair alliance

Guttings disputes court's authority

Mr Grass Guttings refused to enter a plea in the first day of his trial for war crimes, saying he did not recognise the court's authority over him.
The proprietor of Man Mountain Megapublishing, publishers of Adenews, is accused of crimes against humanity perpetrated via his online Geordie warmongering service, e-blowdabastadsup.pet and refuses to say whether he denies the charges. Speaking for Mr Guttings, his lawyer Mr Crass Maneuover said:
"My client does not understand how the court can claim jurisdiction when at the time of the alleged crimes he was on a beach in Acapulco."
But the judge, Mr Justice C N Tabadun said Mr Guttings would be treated as innocent until he was proved to be guilty, from which point he would be treated as guilty. Thereafter it is anyone's guess.
Mr Guttings has a long and prestigious career in publishing he has told us to point out, but also has a shady underbelly, according to inside sources.
The case continues.

04 April 2006

Britishness test revived

Undesireable elements are to be weeded out, the government says, using a 1960s test for Britishness.
"We had a clear idea of who we were in the swinging 60s," said Mr E Shopper, a spokesmen from the Home Office. "Of course, the way we interpret some of the answers to the test have had to change to reflect modern circumstances, but otherwise we have every faith in this test."
The main questions in the test are as follows:
  1. Do your policemen carry guns?
  2. Do you now, or will you ever in the future, have to carry identity papers?
  3. Do your politicians regularly exchange favours for large donations in cash?
Adenews can exclusively reveal that it has gained access to the original 1962 marking sheet. It read: "If your answers are mostly yes, then you are clearly an undesireable foreign johnny of the worst water and you will be escorted out of the country forthwith."
This has been changed in the 2006 version to read: "If your answers are mostly yes, they you are clearly as British as they come. Welcome."

02 April 2006

Adenews staff protest over pension changes

Staff at the Adenews offices in Worthing reacted angrily to suggestions that no-one had noticed their three month strike over changes to their pension plans.
"It is an absolute lie," said Mr Horse Durvres, Adenews Editor, "that I have been on a drunken bender lasting three months. I realise that there has been no suggestion of that, I just wanted to make it absolutely clear."
Man Mountain Megapublishing, the company that owns Adenews is substantially changing its pension plan, causing widespread fears among workers at its online publishing outlets.
"Instead of our employees getting a regular pension based on their final salary when they retire at 65," said Mr Grimethorpe Collieryband, proprietor, "the directors will receive a single lump sum payment about ... now."
Mr Collieryband refused to comment on how much revenue his company had lost during the strike but admitted he was thankful advertisers had not noticed the online 24hour update information service was only updating quarterly.
"Our sponsors realise the tangible benefits of being associated with the leading online information update solutions provider," said G C Wotsit, Adenews Publisher. "Their cash-dollar dividend ratio analysis will demonstrate adequately that frequency of online information update is a relatively trivial factor compared with, per examplum, the total visitor visitation rate being a broadly flat proportion of the total predictable market."